What it's like to be seen

So this is what it's like when someone See's you. I don't mean physically See you, I know I exist. But this is what it's like when someone See's the you you hide. The you that has been easy to hide so far. I have what is referred to as an invisible disability. Like everyone on this planet I want what I can't have. I desire things that aren't for me. Things like a million dollars,  a day without pain, etc. Like anyone with an invisible disability I wanted someone to validate me, to "see" me and what I struggled with. So far this had never happened to me. My husband was the closest person to come to seeing the me I "hide", but even he didn't get very close because he was abusive and a truck driver. So not someone I'm going to let in and not home often. I have had a love hate relationship with the idea of being "seen". On one hand I want validation, I want someone to be there for me when I need help. But on the other hand I don't want anyone to think I'm weak, that I can't handle it. I'm scared that I won't get the chance to do it on my own again, that I will be forever stamped as incapable. Up until now this has not been an issue but I recently moved in with my mother. She has no idea the struggles I face and I nievely thought I could keep it that way. She works and I don't so I'll just be careful not to fall when she's home. I won't cry out if I fall when she is home and she'll never know. Well that is all up in smoke. This weekend I dislocated my ankle and fell. I broke my ankle. This weekend she saw me in the ER because I couldn't drive myself ( even though I wanted too). This weekend she saw me in pain and I saw the helpless look on her face. This week she saw me strive to be as independent as possible. She saw me shuck two crutches quickly and use one ( I can bear weight while in the air cast) on the second day. I thought I was doing well. I had been validated and not labeled a drug seeker at the ER, for a chronic pain patient this alone is a win. I was on a roll I could walk, I could help. Then tonight I fell again....while she was home.....and I cried out. She came running...saw me lying on the grass and thought I had really injured myself again. She had that helpless look again, I hate being the cause of that. She made a joke that I shouldn't be left alone....not funny mom....so not funny. She doesn't know that's not funny. She doesn't know that I fear a wheel chair, that I fear the loss of my independence all because of some faulty collagen. I have been seen, I have been weak in front of someone, I have been hurt in front of someone, I have been at a hospital with someone to support me.....and I don't like it. I want to be invisible again. I hope that with healing, some of my invisibility will be restored, at least some.

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