To feel or not to feel......

So I typically write fairly non-emotional. That's because I am disconnected from my feelings 99% of the time. I have no memories of life before age 14-15 and from what I've read this is a type of disassociation a disconnect between my mind and that period of time. Because I developed the ability to disassociate young, I also disassociate from my emotions most of the time. I do feel mad, sad, depressed etc but I rarely connect those feelings emotionally with a specific reason for the feeling. Oh I figure it out quite easily with logic " my dog just died, therefore I am sad" but emotionally the action and the resulting emotions feel like two seperate entities. Why am I saying this? To help explain why today felt so weird. Today I felt a heaviness in my heart. I woke up feeling sad and felt like I had unshed tears that needed release, this on its own is not weird, what's weird to me is that somehow I knew that it was because of my situation. I had no logical action to explain this just a gut feeling or mental/emotional tying the two together. This is strange. This I DON'T LIKE. I don't like being numb or disassociating from my emotions. It can be confusing, scary, lonely, it's upsetting to feel something and not know why. But I learned today that I don't enjoy having an emotional connection there either. Like if there could simply be a logical reason for every emotion and no invisible tether I'd be fine. I will be fine too eventually. I know this is god doing his work in me, I just don't like it. This too will pass though. One way or another I'll come out the other side and move on.

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