memories, or my life as i know it.

So I have mentioned briefly that I have no memories of my life before age 14. This is a guess, as I have trouble determining how old I am in my memories I do have. I assume 14 because I think that's how old I was in my clearest memory.  My clearest memory ( which is still quite foggy I must say) is of my mother telling me I have to either go to a kids home for troubled teens in Ontario or some such place, or go live with my dad. I chose my dad. he had a girlfriend at the time who hated me and this made things difficult. The only memory I have of her is her calling me names and swearing at me, then throwing the channel changer at me. I began spending time at my friends house and eventually she hooked Me up on a blind date. I called my father to ask if I could stay over one more night to go on the date, and he told me I might as well move out. Her dad took me in and I lived with her for a couple years till I met the man who is now my husband. At the time he and I and his friend and my best friend became a couple and we began staying out longer and longer to hang out. Then he got evicted because his landlord had legal trouble and was selling, and my friends dad kicked us both out. So I became homeless, staying at shelters, couch surfing, or simply riding the transit train all night or dozing off in a corner somewhere. This went on for a year until I became pregnant with my oldest. Then my mother took my and my boyfriend in and he got a job and we got a place of our own. A year and a half  later we were married and now have 3 kids in total. It makes me wonder sometimes how my mind can block out an apparently traumatic childhood because it thinks I can't handle it but I can remember a lot of my teenage years. I still don't remember a lot of even those years. I couldn't tell you the names of all  the places I stayed, people I met during that time, or any details other than what I said already. My clear more detailed memories start with my pregnancy. Even then I seem to rely on the baby book for a lot of details. I have to look to tell you what age she was when she got her first tooth, first steps etc I wish I was normal. When in a conversation however I seem to remember more. More memories come out, more details of the memories I do keep. Most things I remember in conversation that weren't present before, go away once I'm done. I have grown to.hate the question " do you remember when....?" No I don't, and I don't want to say that because I either get pity, or they think they must not have been important enough to make the cut. Recently my grandmother asked me what my favorite treat was that she had made for me as a child, and I was horrified to learn I remember very little of her, I actually have only 2 memories of her,  the feel of a bed I must have slept in and the smell of her house in the morning. I told her the name of some cookie she made and she later asked why I said that one when she can only remember making it once. I had to confess I didn't remember and eventually, in tears I confessed that I didn't have any visual memories of her. This should not be my life! Why did I have to get hurt? Because of my childhood I am hurting others every time they find out I don't actually remember them. My life is very simple, yet very very complicated. 

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Comments (1)

  1. bythesea

    Wow ., I am sorry that you had such a hard time growing up. No wonder you are so worried about your daughter becoming a teenager now.

    But you can use all of your life skills to be the most amazing mom through her teenage years. You are a survivor … and that is an amazing skill to have and pass on.

    July 27, 2014