Reposting because I originally posted this in the wrong spot. Originally posted on February 17 2017
I started this blog almost 3 years ago but I got busy for a while and then lost my sign in info, but here I am again because now things have seriously changed. I need an outlet. Where to start....I suppose I'll start with what changed. When I last posted I was a stay at home mom, with minor symptoms from my two illnesses. I had a loving husband and father for my three girls. Sounds picturesque doesn't it. Behind every story is another one and I didn't even know the half of it. My husband used to be physically abusive to me. It was only me that he ever hit but I didn't take it and made him go to Counselling. We did alot together and he did some seperate and he stopped fairly shortly after he started and we were happy....For about 8 years, then he got physical again one night. So off we went to counselling again, and again he stopped. You see I am a good Christian woman, I strongly believe in my vows and as long as he is working on it too, you owe it to try as hard as you can as well. I believe that when you say " until death do you part" it means until any death not just physical death. If he isn't working on it, that's an emotional death, but he was...So we did. Then in 2016 he started to get angry again, I could see it waiting, bubbling, but he wasnt willing to work on it this time. He hadn't done anything yet, but I wasn't willing to wait until he had, so I started planning my exit. Turns out god had a different exit because there was something else I didn't know. I found out, this last September than he had been molesting my oldest daughter from the time she was 5. I woke up on Sept 18 and went to church. Our youth pastor's wife took me aside at the end of church and said " do you have a minute? I need to speak to you". Apparently three weeks earlier, at a church camp out, my daughter had told two other girls that both my step father and my husband had been molesting her ( seperately though) She told them because both men were there and she didn't want them to end up alone with them. She asked them not to tell but one girl did ( thank heavens). There parents then informed the youth pastor who immediately called child services. Then they waited. We were absent the next Sundays, but then when we came that day and it became apparent we didn't know ( both men were there, my mother goes to the same church) she decided that she better speak to me. She told me what happened and I was hysterical. I don't remember what I was thinking, just crying hard. I remember thinking that I needed to call my mom because she had already left with my step father. I remember calling her and insisting she come back alone. Then I told her and together we cried. We cried for my baby, we cried for our lives that had been blown to smithereens, we just cried. I never went home. My mother kicked out my step father that night, and I moved in with her. Five months last and we are surviving. My youngest is showing the most trauma so far. She regressed in potty training ( she was fully trained for years but started having accidents), throwing tantrums ( which she rarely did before and NEVER to this intensity) and more. She just doesn't understand because she is 6. She has no clue of the nastiness from before, all she knows is that her hero, the man who the sun rose and set for, is gone. She is so heartbroken. My middle daughter has aspergers, so she is so distracted by all the changes that she is just now beginning to register and feelings on the situation. My oldest is doing OK. She is a very logical girl which helps with this, but I think she is just not allowing herself to feel yet. She is in counselling so I think that will help immensely. I am OK so far. My mom is a wreck. She is depressed ( I think I might be too) and is taking this hard. We are both divorcing (obviously). My step father is pleading not guilty so we go to pre Lim for court eventually amdy daughter will have to testify. My soon to be ex husband has not plead yet but claims he is going to plead guilty. He did make a full confession to the police. I am hanging onto god in this so much, I know he has better in store for me. I just need to make it there.
* PS: if you read this and think you know who I am, please keep it to yourself and don't talk about it to people out of respect for my kids*