2 worlds in one person

I have a unique ability to see things clearly from someone else's Point of view. I can step into their mindset and feel their emotions and therefore understand where they are coming from. I say this is unique because I don't believe that other people would behave the way they do if they understood things as clearly. This is a difficult thing to deal with in situations like the one between my mother and my kids, for once in my life I can step into her shoes and still not understand how she can behave the way she does and sleep at night. Perhaps she doesn't know what she is doing, but I suppose I should explain. My oldest daughter ( I'll call her D), is also the oldest granddaughter, so when she came along and my mother doughted on her and spoiled her I thought nothing of it. She got her into horseback riding and bought her many things and took her for overnight visits as soon as I would allow it. Fast forward a number of years and I have baby #2, also a girl ( I will call her E) You'd think she would simply join in the spoiling but that never happened. E was not a healthy baby, she was what they classify as a failure to thrive baby. She doesn't gain Weight easy even now. She was very lethargic and missed many milestones because of it, she also has other more mild things but the most obvious is her ADD. My oldest has this too but in a much much milder form. This has caused some behaviors that you need to love past them and it can be difficult sometimes. I have gotten off track though, I'm sorry I tend to feel the need to defend my moms actions to some degree but I also feel as if she is very wrong. But to get back on track, E was accepted and goo'd over until her personality showed, and quirks came out like her need to constantly sing ( I mean even in her sleep). Then things changed, my mom began critisizing my parenting, things like allowing her to eat every hour ( she is hungry almost constantly because of her hugely high metabolism even now she is thin as a rail and eats every chance she gets) or critisizing me for allowing her to eat any way she wants as long as she would eat ( early on she wouldn't eat and it was all we could do to get her to bite a hamburger let alone eat the whole thing, so no I never said " don't eat the burger down the middle" this is her biggest pet peve of E' s eating habits). again I got a little off track, when E got to the age D was when overnight visits started I expected the same would happen to some degree for E. It didn't. At first my mom claimed it was because of her hands ( she has a painful skin condition that flairs up occasionally) and I accepted this as E was just potty training. But then it changed to other excuses finally lending on the current one " I simply cannot handle her when I have more than just her" . Now let me clarify E is very well behaved, she isnt ADHD either so she doesn't have excessive energy or anything the only things that i could see my mom referring to is the singing, and that she is very stubborn and my mom is the kind of woman that if she says do it, you do it and you do it her way. E will do it, but usually in her way not always the way she's told. This isn't a big thing because E picks her battles. For instance she does the important things the way you tell her but if you insist she hold a pencil one way or a dust pan one way she will stand her ground. However if you get to know E you will know this is a tiny part of her. Again I will get back on track. Eventually my mom realized she shared an interest of horseback riding with D and now goes almost every weekend in the summer and many weekends in the winter to ride and do horseback related things....and E stays home. E goes to my mom's on her own about once or twice a year. So here Iam and I can see my mother through D's eyes, a wonderful,loving,generous,sweet woman. And I see her through E' s eyes a mystery, someone who would love her if only she could be good enough of try hard enough, generous only once in a while but so critical, and hurtful.  And I see it through my mothers eyes but I still don't get it. I understand her relationship with D but how can she almost ignore E and not know it affects her? Now when I see them together I want to hold E close and shield her, we went swimming together tonight and E splashed my mom a couple times and my mom got irritated so she got up and went to the hot tub only saying " I'm sick of this I'll be in the hot tub" no "stop" or even playing back to E. Then later D splashed my Mom and after some coaxing by D, my mom started playing back and enjoying themselves. I watched E retreat, I watched her face crumple then go back to neutral as if it didn't happen and I wanted to pull her from the pool and run with her. I think D noticed too, because she made a point of including her. This isthe other part that bugs me D loves her sister and is not blind to the favortism. She feels guilt about it and tries to include E as much as she can. She convinced my mom and step dad to take both her and E tonight and tomorrow night but I worry about E.  I worry about D now too because she is going through puberty and has some chub that will eventually transform into a womanly figure. However my mom is obsessed with weight and already has been putting pressure on D to lose weight. This is not okay with me, but D has asked my not to make a big deal about it. But now I have my two girls at my moms and I know they will be critisized, one for weight the other for behavior and eating habits. And I am torn. I want them to have that wonderful time at grandma's that I had with mine, but I fear they simply don't have that kindof grandma. I think going forward, I will have to talk with my mother about this and find a solution because I have a 3rd daughter( I'll call daughter her J) and she is at the age that D started having overnights and its happening again. She has yet to be at grandma's for an overnight without me, I am listening to her cry and ask why?.....and I simply have no answer. 

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